Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Ode to Mrs. TRK

My elusive one
My love
Where are you?
Why haven’t you burst through my screen
Moved by my eloquence and subversive dodginess?
Where do you hide?
Why can I not find you?
Is it my broadly misogynistic streak that repels you?
Or perhaps you are in front of me and I see you not
I search
I saunter
I seethe
I seek
I sift through all my fanmail from adoring commenters
And still I cannot fathom
The essence of you:
Your inner beauty
Must equal your outer beauty
A tall order, perchance
But I’m a dreamer
And that makes everything OK
I breathe in
An impassioned sigh
And contemplate myself some more.

Monday, March 06, 2006

With Apologies to Gloria Gaynor

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinking all those lovely girls would run from by my side
But then I spent so many nights just wondrin’ where did I go wrong
And am I strong?
Do I know where it is I’m from?
Yes I’m a mix
Of A and B
And I don’t get why every woman’s not in love with me
Because I’ve broken through the walls and was the poster child, you see
Is there anybody out there, even half worthy of me?
No no, not I!
I live to shteig
As long as I’ve Rabbenu Tam
I know I’m still alive
I’ve got all these girls to sieve
And I’ve got such chochma to give
So I’ll survive. I will survive.
Oy, vey!

Top 10 Reasons You Know I Don’t Live In Israel

  1. It says “Rabbi's Kid, United States” on my blog in many places
  2. I know nothing about Israeli Politics or Events
  3. I talk about Baseball, Duh! And sometimes I even write about- London!
  4. I know nothing about Israeli Music
  5. I don’t like falafel
  6. I write passionate posts about how much I love the US. Only a real resident of the US could be so very passionate.
  7. Other mitzvot are more important. To me. Like finding my wife. And there are no Jewish women in Israel.
  8. I’d be, like so bored if I moved there. I mean, what would a guy like me do all day?
  9. I repeatedly tell the Jblogosphere that I don’t/want to live in Israel- so it must be true
  10. I don’t want to get into any heated debates with Jameel Rashid. Because I’d lose.

The Art of Seduction, TRK Style

Sit across a crowded bar. Stare into her eyes. Wonder fleetingly if she is also a blogger. Pray not.

Lean over, ask her what her deepest desire is. Watch as her eyes go wide when she thinks you hold the key to her neshama. Then ask her lots of other deep questions to keep the soul fires burning. Don’t forget to ask her what music she likes, then sing her favorite band back to her. Ask whether she likes poetry: then write her a sonnet on a napkin.

Spout passionately about the ills of the world, humanity, etc. Give the distinct impression of being above all that. Throw some Rebbe Nachman and Yichus pointers in for good measure.

But don’t forget not to manipulate her. Because, THAT, gentlemen, would just be assur.

Here Comes The Son

Diddle Diddle... or should that be Yiddle Yiddle

I thank Hashem for my powers of depth!